Thursday, February 23, 2006

Alternative for Bush's Torture Program

You know, Bush doesn't have to go outside the Geneva Convention and illegally authorize torture to get his prisoners-held-without-due-process to talk. I've got just the answer for him.

I went to the dentist yesterday, and it occurred to me that all you need to do in order to get a suspected terrorist to confess is to do that little test where they measure how many millimeters down they can push the sharp pointy metal object between your tooth and gum for a couple of hours. The droning on of "one, two, two, one, three, two..." in rhythm of a nasty pricking feeling is nerve-wracking enough, but then, if you do as my dentist did and pipe in that awful twangy, whiny country-western music, you've got a skin-crawling experience that would drive any sane man mad.

(And this was from a good dentist. I can only imagine what it would have been like had I been at my previous dentist, who couldn't administer oral anaesthesia properly and whose dental hygenist would floss me so hard I could feel it between my toes.)

All Bush needs to do to get the confessions flowing would be to get some of these dentists and country western stars on the payroll. He'd have his answers in under an hour, and there would be no more embarassing photos of naked pyramids and dog attacks - any photos that emerged would simply look like a normal dental check-up: "We're not torturing them; we're simply ensuring that they have proper dental health while under our custody."

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