Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Felt up at the anniversary party?

It's amazing sometimes where random web searches take you. I was doing a Google search on a haunted house attraction I liked as a kid, located at Lagoon amusement park in Utah. Popping lots of links back to tabs, I went back and started going through the links to see what was out there.

Apparently, one of the links was on a web forum for ex-Mormons (Utah being the connection there, natch). Being an ex-Mormon myself, I poked around out of curiosity, and stumbled upon a thread about Mormon garment groping.

Here's what's going on for you non-Mormons out there. Part of the Mormon faith involves the wearing of magic, church-issue underwear called "garments" under your normal clothes. Think Joseph Smith underoos for adults. Supposedly, these magic underwear act as a divine shield, protecting the devout wearer from harm.

Since I got out of the church as a kid (you receive them as adults), I never wore them, so I never really thought much about them. From the thread on the board, it sounds like it's a pretty common thing for Mormons to try to discern whether other Mormons are wearing their garments, I guess as some sort of faith barometer. This is done by taking a peek at your unmentionables when you bend over, or feeling through your clothes for their telltale bulkiness.

Normally, this would only have been of academic interest to me. However, some of my mother's Mormon friends attended the anniversary party we threw for my parents. One of them, when he shook my hand, reached up and kinda squeezed my shoulder in a weird way, rubbing with his fingers, almost groping. It was rather off-putting. I had dismissed it as an odd sort of congeniality, but now, after reading that forum thread, I wonder if he was "scanning for garments", trying to figure out if I was a good Mormon after not seeing me for two decades.

You know, it's one thing if it's a friendly gesture. It's another thing if you're looking for the inside scoop on my skivvies. It almost feels like I got felt up by a stranger on the bus or something. Shudder.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

This hole crap about the garments is bull. ive been mormon my whole life and NEVER once has any "garments" stop lying a bout that sh*& oh and that person that gropped you was probably ur dad stop BITCHING dam pussy. cry cry cry my life is so misrible that i have to dis on my old religion get a life dumbass hick

CC said...

Erm, thanks for your eloquent comment, "anonymous". Defensive much?

Regarding whether or not you ever encountered garments, you might want to read this wikipedia article on Temple Garments, since you're apparently unaware of the history and beliefs of your own faith.

In particular, note that it says that not all denominations of Mormonism wear them. If you're Mormon, and don't wear the garments, then perhaps you're just in one of the denominations that eschews them.

Generally, it's a good idea to do some research before flying off the handle and accusing other people of lying. Makes you look less like an idiot.